As I begin to write this it appears that Facebook is down. My mind immediately shoots to the scene in The Social Network when Jessie Eisenberg tears into Andrew Garfield after he closes their accounts, thus threatening the integrity of their up and coming web service. Hmm, well I guess after almost a decade and a few billion dollars it is not as much big of a concern anymore.
These last few weeks have been kind of funky for me. As of late I've been so busy that it's been hard to sit down and gather my thoughts. Every day I wake up and am immediately at a dead sprint trying to keep up. Now with school starting back up tomorrow I'll have even more on my plate. It'll all be worth it at some point though right..........RIGHT?
Anyway, now that I have a few minutes to myself finally I figured I'd try to get a little writing done and post something on the blog. It's been over three months since my last post so it's long overdue. I apologize to the three of you who actually read this thing. I promise I'll try to get stuff up here more often.
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. Not so much in where my life is going career wise. Those waters have calmed down considerably over the last year and I finally think I've got that aspect of my life under control. Now I just have to get this last year and a half of school over with and I'll be able to really dive into what I truly want to do. Thank god, that only took a decade to figure out. When my kids ask me what the hell took me so long I'm just going to tell them I was on a mission in Africa. Hell, if it works to get Topher Grace off That 70's Show it can work for me.
Despite all this I still feel unsettled. All of this hard work should be filling me with satisfaction. Instead I feel exactly like the Stones felt, and to be honest I really don't know how to fix it. My life has become so busy and so all over the place that I haven't really been connecting with people the way I should.
I've always considered my independence to be one of my greatest strengths, but I'm beginning to feel it becoming one of my greatest weaknesses. As I sit back and assess all of my personal relationships I'm truly shocked at how many of them are really only on the surface.
While talking to my boss today, I she was asking me about how my love life was going. I told her it was alright, not at all where I wanted it to be but it was by no means horrible. She asked me why I felt that it wasn't where I wanted it to be. I sat there for awhile and couldn't really answer. Then it dawned on me. When it all comes down to it I just missed being a priority to someone. I missed being able to count on one person (or a few friends) to always be there.
These days everyone is so busy taking care of their own lives I feel like I'm always taking a back seat. I guess I just kind of got used to it growing up. Being the middle child I ended up spending a lot of time by myself. My older sister always garnered the majority of the attention when she was home, and by the time she was out of the house I was already on my own in Milwaukee. I grew up accepting that I would be spending a lot of my time by myself. Unfortunately I grew comfortable with that situation and it led to some pretty terrible social skills the early part of my adult life. Gah, just thinking about it makes me shutter.
At this point in my life I've figured all the other stuff out (or at least have a direction,) now I just can't shake the feeling of always being everyones afterthought. I know this isn't always the case, and no I'm not depressed in any way. I still laugh and have fun as much as I always have. Right now I guess I've just hit a portion of my life where doing it on my own just isn't good enough anymore. What is the point in working so hard if you don't have a person (or people) to share it all with? I don't know, some people can function fine in a world like that. I'm just not wired that way.
Hopefully things figure themselves out soon. If any of you ever feel like this just know that you are not alone. We all have moments in our lives when we feel alone and have no one else to turn to. Powering through these kinds of moments only make us stronger. Despite my past frustrations and heartaches I'm choosing to keep my faith in the fact that someday it will all work out.....
And if someone could throw me a bone and make someday tomorrow that would be great. :)
Goodnight Internet
