In an attempt to add some variety to the blog, I've decided from time to time to include excerpts from my own personal journal. Often times I find certain topics easier to write about if they are directed towards myself than if they were directed at an audience.
I hope you enjoy my first "Torn From the Pages." Thanks again for taking the time to read my work. I love you guys. :)
Kevin
Overwhelmed.....yeah that's the word.....overwhelmed.
As I get older it gets harder and harder to define how I'm feeling on a given day. Often times life is pulling me in twenty different directions, each one creating it's own unique reaction inside me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I don't really feel like I'm discovering anything revolutionary here, for the most part everybody feels this way in some form or another. For me sorting all of them out is the real issue. There are so many things in my life right now that bring me joy. My family, my friends, my recent success at work. These things have created a pride in me like I've never felt before. It truly is an amazing feeling.
But still, something is eating at me, and it has been for some time. Despite all of these successes I'm just not feeling a complete person. Now this is no way meant to be as depressing as it sounds. 95% of my life I feel the exact opposite as I am right now, but for the sake of my own personal therapy I need to bring that other 5% to the forefront. If you don't work out the kinks from time to time a small problem will eventually become a big one.
It's been a few years since my last serious relationship. There have been few flings between then and now, but nothing has ever stuck. A younger me used to point the finger at others for why nothing ever lasted that long, it's much easier to deal in absolutes and blame a group than it is to do a self evaluation as to what you might be doing wrong. That process usually ends in you feeling much worse than when you started out.
Back then I never had a focus. My work ethic was shit, as was my attitude. When you realize these things about yourself you can react in one of two ways. Give up, or do what it takes to fix them, no matter how hard it might be.
I figured this was why I was screwing up relationships. I hadn't found out me yet. I knew it was essential to improve myself before I'd ever know what kind of person would be the right one for me. So I did it. I revolutionized my attitude, changed my way of life, and found what kind of man I wanted to be remembered as.
So that was it! Finally I was ready. I had become the man a woman would want to marry. By not making a relationship a priority it would fall into line "when I was least expecting it." That bond I had been seeking since I was a boy would finally come to pass.
But here I am, still striking out left and right. At this point I'm not even sad or angry about it. Just defeated. I'm great on my own. I'm one of the most independent people I know. But I don't think it is weak for even the most independent person to seek companionship. To want that bond with someone else in this world. My mother always raised me to strive for that. To love unconditionally is the strongest feeling I posses, and it has gone unused for quite some time.
My generation feels differently though. Careers, hobbies, and standards of living now seem to take precedent. I just don't go by that methodology. Yeah it's important to be able to put food on the table, but when did loving another person take a back seat to that?
I know this is all a temporary. I'm not depressed in any way to be honest. My life is wonderful. The people I smile with everyday remind me of that. One day I'm going to be reading to my kids and days like today are going to be but a distant memory. A memory of a time before I had met the woman that would change my life forever.
Until that day though, I will continue to wonder. What is it that I haven't done yet? Cause it's quite obvious that I am not supposed to settling down right now. It wouldn't still be this difficult if I was."
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