136 Days

136 days.....

That's it, 136 days left in my undergraduate career. It's taken me almost 10 years and 3 different schools to get to this point, and only 18 weeks separate me from finally being able to call myself a college graduate. Doesn't seem like a lot when put into context of a lifetime, but considering the personal turmoil caused by years of indecision, depression, and self-loathing, these next 136 days cannot go by soon enough.

For years I have been able to put my future off until later, using college as my excuse to not take chances. Growing up I always found adventurers fascinating. I gravitated towards those who took risks and saw the world as a never ending source of personal growth, challenging themselves in the most uncomfortable but gratifying environments possible. I always pictured myself doing the same thing, never actually taking the steps necessary to be the person on the screen or pages of the book I was reading. I was scared.

But here I sit, a stones throw away from stripping myself of any excuse for my own lack of adventure. Deep down everyone thinks they have what it takes to be the hero we see in our stories, but until we are put in the same position as those people it is unsure how we will react. As I inch closer and closer to taking that step into the next chapter in my life I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes.

We are all presented with the choice on how we want our lives to turn out. Some people choose to hide behind their insecurities, using excuse after excuse as to why they are stuck where they are. I certainly am guilty of being one of those people over the course of my young adult life. On the other hand others choose to take that leap into the lions den, choosing to ignore those excuses and hope that their instincts can guide them towards the right path. Regardless of whether I am ready or not, that leap is coming.

136 days.....

The Collateral Damage from Silver Linings Playbook

As I begin to write this it appears that Facebook is down. My mind immediately shoots to the scene in The Social Network when Jessie Eisenberg tears into Andrew Garfield after he closes their accounts, thus threatening the integrity of their up and coming web service. Hmm, well I guess after almost a decade and a few billion dollars it is not as much big of a concern anymore.

These last few weeks have been kind of funky for me. As of late I've been so busy that it's been hard to sit down and gather my thoughts. Every day I wake up and am immediately at a dead sprint trying to keep up. Now with school starting back up tomorrow I'll have even more on my plate. It'll all be worth it at some point though right..........RIGHT?

Anyway, now that I have a few minutes to myself finally I figured I'd try to get a little writing done and post something on the blog. It's been over three months since my last post so it's long overdue. I apologize to the three of you who actually read this thing. I promise I'll try to get stuff up here more often.

I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. Not so much in where my life is going career wise. Those waters have calmed down considerably over the last year and I finally think I've got that aspect of my life under control. Now I just have to get this last year and a half of school over with and I'll be able to really dive into what I truly want to do. Thank god, that only took a decade to figure out. When my kids ask me what the hell took me so long I'm just going to tell them I was on a mission in Africa. Hell, if it works to get Topher Grace off That 70's Show it can work for me.

Despite all this I still feel unsettled. All of this hard work should be filling me with satisfaction. Instead I  feel exactly like the Stones felt, and to be honest I really don't know how to fix it. My life has become so busy and so all over the place that I haven't really been connecting with people the way I should.

I've always considered my independence to be one of my greatest strengths, but I'm beginning to feel it becoming one of my greatest weaknesses. As I sit back and assess all of my personal relationships I'm truly shocked at how many of them are really only on the surface.

While talking to my boss today, I she was asking me about how my love life was going. I told her it was alright, not at all where I wanted it to be but it was by no means horrible. She asked me why I felt that it wasn't where I wanted it to be. I sat there for awhile and couldn't really answer. Then it dawned on me. When it all comes down to it I just missed being a priority to someone. I missed being able to count on one person (or a few friends) to always be there.

These days everyone is so busy taking care of their own lives I feel like I'm always taking a back seat. I guess I just kind of got used to it growing up. Being the middle child I ended up spending a lot of time by myself. My older sister always garnered the majority of the attention when she was home, and by the time she was out of the house I was already on my own in Milwaukee. I grew up accepting that I would be spending a lot of my time by myself. Unfortunately I grew comfortable with that situation and it led to some pretty terrible social skills the early part of my adult life. Gah, just thinking about it makes me shutter.

At this point in my life I've figured all the other stuff out (or at least have a direction,) now I just can't shake the feeling of always being everyones afterthought. I know this isn't always the case, and no I'm not depressed in any way. I still laugh and have fun as much as I always have. Right now I guess I've just hit a portion of my life where doing it on my own just isn't good enough anymore. What is the point in working so hard if you don't have a person (or people) to share it all with? I don't know, some people can function fine in a world like that. I'm just not wired that way.

Hopefully things figure themselves out soon. If any of you ever feel like this just know that you are not alone. We all have moments in our lives when we feel alone and have no one else to turn to. Powering through these kinds of moments only make us stronger. Despite my past frustrations and heartaches I'm choosing to keep my faith in the fact that someday it will all work out.....

And if someone could throw me a bone and make someday tomorrow that would be great. :)

Goodnight Internet

Torn From the Pages: February 4th, 2013

In an attempt to add some variety to the blog, I've decided from time to time to include excerpts from my own personal journal. Often times I find certain topics easier to write about if they are directed towards myself than if they were directed at an audience. 

I hope you enjoy my first "Torn From the Pages." Thanks again for taking the time to read my work. I love you guys. :) 

Kevin 

"Feb. 13th, 2013 - 

Overwhelmed.....yeah that's the word.....overwhelmed. 

As I get older it gets harder and harder to define how I'm feeling on a given day. Often times life is pulling me in twenty different directions, each one creating it's own unique reaction inside me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I don't really feel like I'm discovering anything revolutionary here, for the most part everybody feels this way in some form or another. For me sorting all of them out is the real issue. There are so many things in my life right now that bring me joy. My family, my friends, my recent success at work. These things have created a pride in me like I've never felt before. It truly is an amazing feeling. 

But still, something is eating at me, and it has been for some time. Despite all of these successes I'm just not feeling a complete person. Now this is no way meant to be as depressing as it sounds. 95% of my life I feel the exact opposite as I am right now, but for the sake of my own personal therapy I need to bring that other 5% to the forefront. If you don't work out the kinks from time to time a small problem will eventually become a big one. 

It's been a few years since my last serious relationship. There have been few flings between then and now, but nothing has ever stuck. A younger me used to point the finger at others for why nothing ever lasted that long, it's much easier to deal in absolutes and blame a group than it is to do a self evaluation as to what you might be doing wrong. That process usually ends in you feeling much worse than when you started out. 

Back then I never had a focus. My work ethic was shit, as was my attitude. When you realize these things about yourself you can react in one of two ways. Give up, or do what it takes to fix them, no matter how hard it might be. 

I figured this was why I was screwing up relationships. I hadn't found out me yet. I knew it was essential to improve myself before I'd ever know what kind of person would be the right one for me. So I did it. I revolutionized my attitude, changed my way of life, and found what kind of man I wanted to be remembered as. 

So that was it! Finally I was ready. I had become the man a woman would want to marry. By not making a relationship a priority it would fall into line "when I was least expecting it." That bond I had been seeking since I was a boy would finally come to pass.

But here I am, still striking out left and right. At this point I'm not even sad or angry about it. Just defeated. I'm great on my own. I'm one of the most independent people I know. But I don't think it is weak for even the most independent person to seek companionship. To want that bond with someone else in this world. My mother always raised me to strive for that. To love unconditionally is the strongest feeling I posses, and it has gone unused for quite some time. 

My generation feels differently though. Careers, hobbies, and standards of living now seem to take precedent. I just don't go by that methodology. Yeah it's important to be able to put food on the table, but when did loving another person take a back seat to that? 

I know this is all a temporary. I'm not depressed in any way to be honest. My life is wonderful. The people I smile with everyday remind me of that. One day I'm going to be reading to my kids and days like today are going to be but a distant memory. A memory of a time before I had met the woman that would change my life forever. 

Until that day though, I will continue to wonder. What is it that I haven't done yet? Cause it's quite obvious that I am not supposed to settling down right now. It wouldn't still be this difficult if I was." 

To Scene or Not to Scene? That is the Question!

In honor of the Oscars coming up, and my need to write about something that isn't deep as shit for once, I've decided it's time to  pound away at this keyboard and come up with my Mount Rushmore lists. What are the Mount Rushmore lists? Well they are the things that are so awesome that I'd carve them into granite. They are in no way supposed to be objective, instead they are totally biased and based solely on my opinion. Don't like it? Tough, this is my blog.

This Mount Rushmore list will be a two parter. Part one we will be my Mount Rushmore list of movie scenes. In other words, the scenes I found so amazing that I would take them with me on a desert island along with a pocket knife, my collection of maxim magazines, and The Best of Sade on vinyl. 

Part two will be my Mount Rushmore of movies. Basically the same thing as the Mount Rushmore of movie scenes, only the entire movie. Seems pretty self-explanatory but I figured I'd tell you anyway. 

After hours of wasting my time coming up with this list, here it is, in no particular order. My 2013 Mount Rushmore of movie scenes! Enjoy!

Jaws - The Estuary Scene

Jaws in my opinion is the oldest movie that still stands up to this very day. Despite a pretty hoaky mechanical shark, this film still has the ability to scare the shit out of you more by what you don't see than what you do. The estuary scene is by far the biggest psychological mind fuck of them all. Who doesn't have a slight fear when swimming in water that you can't see the bottom of? Exactly, not a soul. All of these fears reach their climax at the 58 second mark of this video. If you don't mind I need to go change my pants now.

Return of the Jedi- The Battle of Endor

The perfect ending to my favorite trilogy of all time. Yeah Return of the Jedi doesn't have the same emotion and depth that The Empire Strikes Back had, but it sure as hell knew how to finish the trilogy off with a bang. If this track ever comes on in my car I can't help but voice every line word for word as it's playing (including an immensely terrible impression of Lando yelling....shut up I'm a nerd.) From the 5:02 mark on it hits it's zenith. God damn it I love Star Wars....

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade - The 3 Challenges

I can't find the entire video on youtube, so you'll have to live with only the last challenge. Whatever, you've seen the movie so you know what I'm talking about (if you haven't stop reading right now and rent the damn thing, it's awesome.) The perfect way to end the trilogy, and since Kingdom of the Crystal Skull exists in my world about as much as the Star Wars prequel trilogy does, I'm left ecstatic that Lucas and Spielberg chose to end the Indiana Jones franchise while it was still on top! (Cue uncontrollable sobbing into lean cuisine (+10 to intelligence if you understand that reference.)

Aliens - Ripley vs the Alien Queen

Again, the quality sucks on this video so I apologize in advance. Anyway I had to have a scene from, again in my opinion, the greatest sci-fi franchise of all time. Aliens is that rare movie that takes the great foundation of it's predecessor and builds on it in such a way that you are riveted for the entire movie (despite it's nearly three hour run time.) The whole ride culminates in one of the greatest chick fight in human, and alien, history. 

Return of the King - Gandalf on Death

Realistically I should just be putting this entire trilogy up here cause it's that F-ing good, but since this is a Mount Rushmore of movie scenes I have to choose just one. Like are you serious Gandalf?!? I'm already torn up enough about what is going on in this film, you have to drop some knowledge about life after death?!? No wonder I teared up like a little girl during the end credits.

The Dark Knight Rises - Batman's First Appearance

If blu-rays had the potential of wearing out, I would have already destroyed my copy of the Dark Knight Rises, mostly because of this scene. The movie itself also makes my Mount Rushmore of movies because I love it so much, but this scene especially has my heart. I'm a huge fan of any movie that motivates me to get off my ass and do something constructive with my time, this scene makes me want to MMA fight a grizzly bear. YOLO Batman........YOLO. 

The Fifth Element - The Ruby Rap 

In my opinion Chris Tucker's best performance ever. He is hilarious, you can't keep your eyes off of him, and he steals your attention away in a movie written by the cast of Fraggle Rock while they were high off PCP at a rave. Who knows if this movie gets made now with how weird it is, let's just thank the 90's for giving us such gems as Ruby Rhod. 

Bullitt - The Car Chase

I don't care what anyone says, Bullitt features the greatest car chase scene in movie history. It was Steve McQueen's idea to not include any type of musical score, instead allowing the cars to create the soundtrack. Absolutely F-ing genius!!! Screw you Fast and the Furious fans, nobody lived their life a quarter mile at a time more than Mr. McQueen did. Nobody. 

Braveheart - William's Execution

Show me a more powerful scene.......oh really you can't......exactly. Moving on. 

Saving Private Ryan - Omaha Beach

This one is pretty graphic so if you have a weak stomach stay away. Fair enough the movie has a little trouble with pacing as it goes on, this scene still has to be one of the top 10, if not top 5 scenes ever filmed. I can't imagine what it was like experiencing this for real. The next time you meet a WWII veteran make sure you shake his F-ing hand and say thank you. These guys are true heroes. 

Top Gun - Opening Credits

Top Gun is the weirdest movie in the history of movies. On one hand it has one of the best soundtracks featuring Kenny Loggins in his prime, as well as some of the greatest dogfighting video ever shot on film. On the other hand it has one of the gayest movie scenes ever (anybody up for some volleyball?) as well as HANDS DOWN the most awkward love scene ever (like watching your own conception awkward.) Despite all of this, the opening to Top Gun is awesome and instantly makes me want to do pushups for like 90 minutes straight (that is until that freaking love scene of course.....God damn it Tom Cruise....)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.......

UP - Carl and Ellie

If you didn't tear up during this scene you have no soul. Leave it to Pixar to capture the greatest love story ever, and end it within the first 10 minutes of the film. ALL WHILE STLL KEEPING US FROM SCREAMING IN OUTRAGE!!! If anyone else does this we are up in arms about it. Anyway, simply put, this scene is beautiful. I absolutely love it. 

So there you have it! My 2013 Mount Rushmore of movies. I'm sure five minutes after I post this I'll be kicking myself for forgetting something. As of right now this is the list though! 

LOOK FORWARD TO PART 2 : MY MOUNT RUSHMORE OF MOVIES!!!!

Change Your Attitude, You Might End Up Changing the World

I'm writing this on the heals of yet another action packed weekend. This time the destination was Madison, where my friends and I enjoyed some great food, one of the best live shows of my life, and even found time to sneak in a laugh or two. Even though I'm usually exhausted, I will always find time to sneak these kinds of trips in. In my opinion they are just great for the soul. You need to step outside of the box from time to time if you ever truly want to grow.

Life really is one large self-fufilling prophecy. What you get out of it 100% depends on what you put into it. Whether it's school, work, relationships, family, whatever, if you put your heart and soul into something great things will come from it.

That's one thing I absolutely love about Madison. Everywhere you look you are surrounded by people who are dedicating their lives to what they love. Some are finding financial success from it, some aren't, but all of them are living out their dreams. You cannot help but be inspired there.

I want that feeling to be a part of my life every single day. When I think of my future after business school, I always picture three piece suits and a life spent sitting in board rooms all day. For awhile I was content with that future, that future had lots of dollar signs after it.

Not so much anymore, I want my life to mean something. I want to spend everyday working to make my dreams come true, not someone else's. When I look around I'm so proud of the people in my life. They are so talented and have so much ambition. Many of them though, because of their work or family situations, aren't able to let those true talents soar.

This is one thing I absolutely hate about the business world these days. Everything is about the bottom line. True artists are not able to pursue their passions to their full extents because they are restricted to the rules and regulations set down by their superiors. To a point I understand why. Business is a numbers game and if you don't hit those numbers you fade away. But does the bottom line always have to be making as much money as humanly possible? Can we accomplish success by finding that happy medium between feeding our families and still exploring our passions in the process?

Just imagine what kinds of things these people can accomplish if they were truly free to pursue what they loved? I know my best work happens when I'm free of restrictions. When I can feel my work coursing through my veins is when I truly reach my potential. We all seek that feeling, and most of the time it feels completely unattainable. Something only the super rich and more fortunate can attain. What if all it took was a change of perspective though? Is it really that simple?

Who knows where I'll be in the next ten years, but I do know a few things for certain. I want to wear blue jeans to work. I want my work life and my family life to be one in the same. I want to be surrounded by great people everyday fulfilling their passions. Most of all though, I want to make a difference that reaches far beyond the balance in my checkbook. What that exactly will be is still up in there air, but for once I finally have a blueprint in place. And that makes me excited to get up everyday.

So find your passion and fight for it. Success comes in many forms, only you can define what that is. After twenty six years I've finally defined mine.....have you?

Quotes Are Nothing but Inspiration for the Uninspired....or so I thought.

            "Never make a person a priority to whom you are an option."

                                                   ~ Unknown

     While browsing through twitter the other day, I came across this quote. Now normally I'm not a huge quote guy. I've always felt that if you truly had yourself together you didn't need the uplifting words of someone who has come before you. You were creating those uplifting moments yourself. Well, chalk up yet another victory for age and experience over youth and energy. 

     As I get older I get more reflective on all aspects of my life. Where I've been, who I've met, my friends, my family, my relationships. When I read this quote it struck a chord in me right away, and over the last few days I've been reflecting on what it means and how it has applied to my life. Now I've always considered myself a social nomad. I've never really been in a "clique," choosing rather to jump from group to group depending on the activity and the direction my life was going at the time. This has led me to create some rather unique relationships I normally never would have if I had gravitated one way or another. My birthday parties always tend to be an eclectic mix of people ranging from the meathead jock to the hipster artist. For me it's great, I'm with all of the people that are important in my life. For all of them, well let's just say it's good that group only gets together once a year.

     Now what does any of this have to do with the original quote? Well even though I've always thought it was great to have such diverse friend groups, being spread that thin tends to keep those relationships from becoming as deep as I originally hoped. Many times I thought my friendships were deeper than they were, causing me to be hurt when those people did not turn out to be as committed to the friendship as I was. The same thing has happened in relationships, where a rejection from someone I truly had feelings for caused me emotional pain for much longer than it should. I'd dwell on the situation wondering what I could have done different. Wishing I could get that re-due that might have lead to a different outcome. 

     What I've learned as I've gotten older is that you cannot dwell on the actions of others. Everybody has their priorities and they are different with every person. When someone important enters your life (romantic or not) you make that person a priority. You find self worth in going out of your way to make them happy. Those moments are what make life as great as it is. On the flip side though, it can be crushing when you realize that person doesn't think of you as a priority in the same way. As hard as it is you must not take that personally. All it does if give that person power over you. You give them the ability to hurt you without having to do a thing. 

     So the next time you are rejected, (from a friend, significant other, whatever) take time to recognize the people in your life that are truly there. Think about all those times they made you a priority just as much as you've made them. Those are the people that deserve to have an impact on your life, because nobody deserves to be considered an option. 

     To my friends and family that make me a priority as much as I make you (if you are reading this chances are you are one of them), I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are the ones that make my life as much fun as it is. Without you I don't know where I'd be. Hopefully I'm as positively impacting your life as much as you are mine. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Well I'm back again. After a nearly 9 month hiatus here I am posting on consecutive days. I know, I can't believe it myself.

I want to start off by wishing everybody a fantastic 2013. Whether you went out or stayed in, hopefully you all had a great time reigning in the new year. I myself spent the evening with good friends and created some great memories. It doesn't get any better than that if you ask me. 

Now if any of you follow me on Facebook, you might have read what my new year's resolution was for 2013. I thought long and hard about it the week before. Ultimately I came with a really basic plan, become a better man by the end of this year than I am going into it. It seemed like a simple idea at the time, until I started thinking about how I was going to accomplish this goal. It was such a broad idea that I knew I had to narrow it down into something more specific. 

Now keep in mind that this is the first time I've written down the list. The details will no doubt change throughout the year, but I knew it was most important to just focus on the concepts. I've always strived to be better, but never really took the time to figure out how I was going to do it. 

So, in no particular order, here it is.

1) Create more than I consume

While analyzing my hobbies, I realized I spend almost all of my time enjoying the creations of other people. Whether it be watching a movie/TV, reading a book, or playing a video game; I am spending all of my time enjoying the work of others. Heck, even the cereal I'm eating for dinner was made by somebody else. 

Now I'm not saying that my goal this year is to build a car from scratch or make my own breakfast cereal, but there are so many things I can do in my day to day life that can help balance the ratio out. I can cook more meals from scratch, get back into writing fiction, or even build a chair. Before I go out and buy anything, I'm going to ask myself first if I can create it on my own.

2) Live a healthier lifestyle 

This one is pretty self explanatory. For me though it's been one of my biggest short fallings. I eat terribly and exercise much less than I should. Now according to those wonderful charts the doctor gives you I fall within the "healthy" category, but I know there is so much room for improvement. Not to mention I used to be a much bigger kid when I was growing up, and no matter how much weight you lose you never shake what that feels like. 

So simply put, I'm going to take better care of my body. Limit the bad stuff going in, and try to play more sports than I watch. Sounds easy on paper but I know this one is going to be the hardest to keep up with. 

3) Listen more than I talk

Now if you are a huge introvert, this comes naturally. Your goal for this year would be to try and be more assertive when engaging others. For me though......that's never been a problem. Being super outgoing is great for the most part. When it comes to my future career it is a fantastic quality to have, but I can't tell you how many times I've left conversations and couldn't remember all the specific details of what the other person was talking about. So instead of spending so much time formulating responses, I will invest it in asking more questions. 

4) Teach someone something 

Giving back has always been something that is important to me. It's also been something I've done very little of over the years. Now I'm hardly an expert on enough things to start my own afternoon show on ABC, but there are definitely strengths that I possess that can be shared with others. So if anybody wants to learn how to drive stick, give me a call. 

5) Keep a journal

Real simple, so my friends don't have to listen to me bitch about my problems so much. You are welcome.

Which leads me to.....

6) Curse less

I've gotten in a horrible habit of just letting profanity fly without any thought. Adding a curse does not add more emphasis to what you are saying, it makes you look like an uneducated putz. 

This one also leads me to......

7) Expand my vocabulary

Now this doesn't mean I'm going to start reading the dictionary, but things like spell check have turned me into a very lazy writer. If I'm going to become any better at this hobby of mine, I'm going to need to beef up the word bank. How am I going to do this? Lots and lots of scrabble.....I mean a TON. 

8) Be less of a romantic

This has gotten me in trouble ever since I was twelve. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to be a total jerk by any means, but I certainly can be less of an open book. I've always had a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve when I should have kept it much closer to the chest. I'm way way way too trusting with the most precious side of myself, and for my own sake I must teach myself to control it better. 

9) Travel 

Unfortunately a trip to China isn't really in the cards for 2013, but the opportunity to take simple road trips has always been there. I just never took it. I've lived in Wisconsin for twenty three years of my life and I've probably only seen a quarter of it, tops. This year I will get out more, even if there isn't even a real destination in mind. I've always said I wanted to see as much as this planet has to offer, well, you gotta start somewhere. 

AND FINALLY

10) Invest more into my education

Fiscally I'm doing PLENTY. Everybody knows how insanely expensive college is these days. But am I putting as much effort and energy into it as I am dollars and cents? The answer is most definitely no. So instead of breezing through the reading and hammering out the assignment a few hours before it is due, I'm going to really put my energy into learning the material. 

Now I'll admit, deciding to become a business major was hardly the sexiest decision I've made in my life. Learning about information systems and fiscal responsibility within the work place is hardly what I consider fun, but the more time and energy I pour into it, the more prepared I'm going to be when the time comes to use that information. If my ultimate goal is to become the best man I can be someday, I better be able to hang my hat on at least one legitimate accomplishment. This is it.

So there you have it, my blueprint for a better 2013. Will this list change? Absolutely. I'm sure by December it will have grown well into the twenties, but that is the beauty of a new year's resolution, every year it changes and evolves. Ten years from now I'm sure my list will be much different. If I'm lucky career advancement or being a better husband and father will be on here. For twenty six year old me though this is the list, and with focus and a lot of hard work I can make good on it. 

See you next year.